Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
