I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
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Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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