If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
