were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
