you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
