I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
