Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
