girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
