Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
i used baking grease as lip gloss
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Randomize
