no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
