I am puke
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
