I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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