I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
