I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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