Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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