I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
