the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
What did we do last night that was yellow?
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
