Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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