I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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