i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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