i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Randomize