Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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