I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
