"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
