Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
ttyl tear gas
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
