i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
