I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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