i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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