Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
