when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
