When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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