I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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