hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
