I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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