seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
