Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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