Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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