Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
