I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I enjoy the company of your penis
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
How naked do you want me to be?
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