my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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