Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
