I hate your face
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
They also submitted to my demands for pizza