So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
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Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
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Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.