You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
