Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
you had me at cake vodka
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
