sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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