I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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