??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
