so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Randomize
