Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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