put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
