there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
