Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
