tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
