i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
