I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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